fromonesurvivortoanother:

festeringfemme:

1. don’t expect it of us. like, this is a given, absolutely, but between partners with varying experiences and sex drives… this has been a constant struggle for me in relationships. every person i’ve been in a relationship with could never fully reconcile that sex and a relationship were not inherently tied. our relationship did not give them a pass to intimacy. my lack of desire for intimacy for stretches of time would, to them, signify a failed relationship. that impression on their part in turn made me feel like a failure. that fucks up relationships. that fucked me up. whether or not you are a survivor, sex should never be expected of you. ever. and someone who believes they deserve that from you under any circumstances is a piece of shit.
2. on that note, don’t plan sex. partners of mine have often tried to be seductive in saying things like, “i can’t wait to do this to you later tonight…” but, to me, that simply meant that it became an obligation for me. that made sex an obligation. and, therefore, it made sex undesirable. i would feel this pressure to perform for them rather than to engage in sex for my own pleasure and it became this thing where i would attempt to start for them but i could never fully commit because i felt pressured. not to say this is what my partner was intending. at all. but it affected me negatively.
3. don’t make our kinks about our sexual trauma. yeah, me, personally? i really like being choked. a lot. but don’t ruin the pleasure of that by tying it into my trauma. is it your place to figure out the source of my kinks or is it your role as my partner to realize pleasure with me? we both know the answer to that. don’t “figure out” how your partner has been affected by their sexual trauma. what does your curiosity have to gain except for the make your partner feel dissected? partners have done that to me, and all it did was make me feel like personality was compartmentalized into pre- and post-rape.
4. validate us outside of our sex life. i have long felt that my worth is perceived by others as purely sexual, and this was horribly exacerbated by my assault. while i love feeling desired by my partners, if that is heavily emphasized over the other aspects of our relationship, i will withdraw. i will resent them for seeing my purely in that light, and i will often be triggered. even when having casual sex, or sex in any capacity without a committed relationship, respect is key. making me feel like a whole, full human rather than only your sex partner is vital to my comfort and feeling of safety.
5. use a safe word. it can be as simple as “wait.” it doesn’t matter what the word is. its function is purely to remind us that we hold power over our sexual interactions and it will always stop if we want or need it to. when i begin the spiral and feel like sex is becoming less mine and purely yours, having a word to center us and bring us back together and to affirm my own control makes a world of difference.

*i have received asks about this in the past, and felt it made sense to share a general post to address some issues i have answered asks on. this does not mean that my issues are the issues of all survivors, or that non-survivors can’t share these issues with me. these are things that i have experienced and i have come to this understanding of them.

i really like this and it articulates some feelings i’ve had but have not been able to express well

Ahhhhhhhhhhhh shit, I have never seen #2 explained so well, or understood so clearly why this has made me freak out before.

Also wrt #3, this doesn’t just go for kinks. This goes for pretty much anything; if you theorise about my abuse and reduce me to being pre-molestation and post-molestation you are fucking unsafe to be around.

If you see a post for survivors of violence/abuse, by a survivor of such

and get the sudden urge to add “but, as a non-survivor-“

don’t. do. that.

addingliberalbias:

dont hate me cos im a nerd loll!!!

So, a trans man fucking a cis dude is pegging, but a cis dude fucking a cis dude is… just fucking?

(p.s as a bonus, you proposed a definition where -me- shagging a cis dude with a strap-on would qualify as pegging, something that specifically makes me very hungry, so you get eaten, I get gloves.)

campdracula5eva:

spacejard:

i only started realizing how to dress myself around the same time i realized i’m trans* which makes a lot of sense to me somehow

That was like a truth-slap. Holy shit, how did I not notice that about myself?

fuck, I didn’t even notice

mermaidofspace replied to your post: If you use the word pegging around me I will ask…

I have a cis lady friend who adamantly uses it to refer to when she fucks anyone with a strap on in any orifice and she wont back down on it

is she trying to reclaim it ‘cause

pegging was invented by cis straight boys who want a way to talk about their cis straight girlfriends fucking them without forcing them to shriek “NOT GAY, NOT GAY, I LIKE CARS AND PIES AND KISSING GIRLS!”, whilst still getting the same effect.

The definition of pegging as a concept (the understandings of intrinsic “peggingness” as evoked by the use of the word) is “a [cis] woman fucking a [cis] man in the ass with a strap on”. This is the core understanding that is evoked in people’s minds when the word is used, regardless of and separate to individual usage and context, though the understanding may exist alongside another understanding (a [cis!] woman fucking anyone, anywhere with a strap on), the primary understanding of the word is intrinsically fucked up, and is still evoked. Seriously you can’t just divorce a symbol (in this case the word pegging) from its surrounding gross concepts.

It is nearly emblematic of liberal cishet discomfort with and ignorance of ~LGBT~ issues

“I’m not homophobic!!!!! I just perpetrate heteronormative ideas about sex!!! I’m not transphobic!!! I just perpertrate transnormative ideas about bodies and gender!!!”

It’s super gross because it perpetuates bullshit about:

1) who has penises

2) what a penis is and can be classified as

3) the act of a non-man fucking a man in the ass being both deviant from normal sexuality (needing a different word than a man fucking a non-man in the ass), and also posits the act of a man fucking a man in the ass as deviant (by using “pegging” to distance from and reclassify anal sex between two men)

Is pegging:

1) The use of a strap on? Well… what does that make trans man with a plastic penis fucking his cis boyfriend? Is he pegging?

2) A non-man fucking a man in the ass, regardless of strap on? Why is this a necessary departure from a man fucking a man in the ass, why is it a necessary departure from a man fucking a non-man in the ass?

(the answers are “um, we only thought about cis straight people, we didn’t even consider the rest of you except to distance ourselves from you”)

The very essence of “peggingness” is gross as hell. And honestly, I don’t think your friend’s usage is much better. I’d be interested to hear her answer as to why she feels the need to distance herself linguistically from people who she does not class as undertaking “pegging”.