Eternal panic response
past few months i’ve been trying to access NHS mental health care but get sent to an endless succession of strangers; one asked me if i self-harmed for attention + then when i told her about my food issues the 1st thing she asked was what i weighed

I’m disgusted but not surprised. Ugh !!!

Urgh NHS are the worst. I was just discharged from my NHS mental health provider because they ‘do not really deal with chronic or severe mental health issues here’….then what the fuck??!?! I actually don’t know what the NHS MH sector actually does?






I really hate the way that language always traps me. Apparently ‘leftist’ doesn’t mean what I thought it did, it has a hyper-specific meaning entrenched in theory and history that I can barely access, let alone learn.

I’m so…

Well, my thought was to find a list of introductory texts online that give real absic introductions to each topic, though #1 for me is always the LibCom Introductory Guides. Well worth checking out :)

Ahhhh, thank you!



ugh some of the stuff being said to people on my dash is so creepy and gross. I’m trash talking BDSM below the cut. Feel free to reblog and stuff, but if you want to argue/discuss this with me I’m not going to engage unless you’re really fucking super sensitive to my reality as a person whose entire sexual history was dominated by rape and abuse from childhood up until like two years ago, ok?

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hmm… not sure how i feel about this…

this isn’t necessarily a response to the person who made this post but I feel… awkward a lot about my place in survivor spaces and even social justice spaces as a ~kinkster~, especially as a (sometimes) sexual ageplayer and someone who… uhhh… actually does feel ‘healed’ to an extent by re-enacting abuse (and… for whatever reason my sexuality seems inextricably tied to abuse and I cannot seem to remove that). 

I know most of the time these things are aimed at men, men who benefit from misogyny and the patriarchy and you know… all that stuff. But still.

IDK how to type this without making it come off like I’m trying to guilt people into making me feel ‘ok’ about my interests. Like. I’ve accepted who I am and what I like and why and that I’m probably ‘stuck’ this way/other fucked up ways for life. But my response to being ‘kinkshamed’ is always a guilty nod and shame and ‘yeah… I’m fucked up’.

I wouldn’t say it’s necessarily ~empowering~ to acknowledge these shitty kinks, more that telling myself I’m scum all the time for them and ‘just as bad’ as my abusers… has not done good things for me so now I choose to be around people who can ‘get it’ and understand these things come from a place of horrific trauma. 

Jus’ some personal thoughts.

You’re not scum or just as bad. (Nobody is “just as bad”; if you’re an abuser you get your own category and nobody is “as bad as” you. You’re scum that other scum doesn’t come near.) This post isn’t about survivors doing stuff at all, it’s literally just about the… I guess sexual enjoyment of sexualised abuse, from the position of the abuser, which gets ~a pass~ when it’s called kinky.

& like I’m not going to talk about the ways that survivors do abuseplay or whatever, because that is soooooo different and comes from such a different place & like, yeah, I’m not going to pretend that for me it wasn’t incredibly damaging no matter how healed I felt at the time (& I did at the time) b/c it was! Super damaging! I literally ended up in positions where I would describe myself being raped as a child and men would jerk off to it, and that’s just… ugh…

but I guess I’m coming at it like this: I get where myself, as an abused person, was coming from. When I said to men “I want you to [enact (x) violent thing against me] I know what I was doing with that. But I do not trust why they said ‘yes’, why they got off to it, why enacting those things was exciting for them. One of my exs asked me once if I would do that for her. She begged me to enact her rape. I can’t even think about pretending to do that to another person without feeling sick and terrified. Why did it make them excited?

But honestly HTTYD2 utterly ruined me because it’s a movie about a disabled kid and his disabled best friend and his like, unbearably obviously neuroatypical mother and like


I saw How To Train Your Dragon 2 and I’m not ok




I really hate the way that language always traps me. Apparently ‘leftist’ doesn’t mean what I thought it did, it has a hyper-specific meaning entrenched in theory and history that I can barely access, let alone learn.

I’m so nervous of trapping myself into intellectual snares that I’m unable to actually join any kind of community, bc I cannot communicate on even a basic level. I feel pushed out of ‘the left’ because I don’t know what the fuck a Trot is and I don’t know where to even begin learning. There NEEDS, DESPERATELY to be some kind of accessible (free, online, etc) resource that ‘translates’ theoretical and historical information for those of us for whom ‘read Marx/Engels/zizec/whoever’ is literally an unachievable goal

I should clarify here that I do not have a problem with people using complex, technical language & specific ideas that require a certain amount of pre-knowledge to engage with. Forcing everyone to only communicate at 101-levels is just as useless as only communicating in jargon; having to appendix “this is what [x] theorist’s ideas were” before any discussion is utterly counter-productive.

My problem is that there is a serious lack of 101-level resources that are actually accessible to people. Not behind paywalls, or college courses, but publicly available. has so much information, and none of it is useful when I’m struggling to get past the obscure phrasing that Marx uses, let alone actually engage with his ideas in any meaningful way.

Hey there, you are not alone! This is something that we spent a lot of time talking about in the Anarchist Federation and from now on all our pamphlets are going to open with a glossary of terms being used (this is the first one we have done this with). I’m also super happy to field any asks privately and would be happy to put together a reading list (though due to being super busy this may have to wait until after next Wednesday). 

That’s pretty cool, thank you! (I’d never even heard of the Anarchist Federation, so that’s one hurdle navigated right there: not being able to access resources due to simply not knowing about them)

But the crux of my problem is this: most reading lists are pretty difficult for me and other people to access, whether from disabilities that mean we just don’t have the educational backgrounds that most dedicated texts assume (“what in the hell are dialectics?”), or from lack of funds, and I’ve no idea what questions to ask because these topics are overwhelmingly large and complex.

I think what I might do is simply try and set up/curate my own resource, though the ‘how’ and even ‘what’ are somewhat fuzzy. (Though: ‘collaborative’ and ‘probably a ‘zine-esque thing’ are some thoughts)