Eternal panic response
Where do you find your jewelry? it's gorgeous!!

Thank you!!! (I assume you’re talking about this set)

That industrial bar and ball closure ring jewellery is Anatometal (the metal and opal bits) and the teardrops are Relic Stoneworks. I ordered the Anatometal via, and the tears were from a friend.

hannahble-lecter replied to your post “if you get into an argument w/ someone and misgender them as a way to…”

jesus i was about to throw down for you im glad no one did that to you

I was actually just remembering when a guy did that to me probably three-ish years ago

and like, I really hope he gets piles

if you get into an argument w/ someone and misgender them as a way to hurt them I really hope you never experience a bowel movement that isn’t uncomfortable and slow for the rest of your life


#Alcohol #Drugs

And like, my self hatred and vulnerability was very much something that men took advantage of. I would go out of my way to get myself blind drunk, #alcohol coming out of my ears, and they would facilitate it. I would go out with a £10 in my pocket and only spend it on the taxi home the next morning. Men would press things into my hand; pills, a line of something. I would take it, no idea what it was. I wanted to get out of my mind, to stop being self-aware, to stop spectatoring.

And the whole thing was so destructive and so harmful that when I finally met a man who did respect me, who did think of me both as a person and as an attractive person, I spent our first date doing this exact shit. I was sexual; I was posing, I was paying no attention to what I actually wanted, and when I got home I cried because I really liked this guy and now I couldn’t see him ever again, and we had agreed to go out on another date.

But this guy wasn’t a creep. So on our second date, he asked me if I was ok. Like, he was walking me home, and I’d been quiet, so he asked me if I was ok. Unheard of. And, I told him. I said ‘this makes me uncomfortable, and I don’t want to do that’. And he listened. And he apologised for crossing boundaries he literally had no way of knowing were there, but he cared that he’d crossed them anyway. And we talked, and I… stopped posing. We talked in my kitchen and I forgot that I was supposed to tug my shirt down slightly, stick my chest out and suck my gut in. Instead I wondered if it would be weird if I took his hand across the table. I can’t remember what we talked about, but I know he was funny.

And when he said goodbye we hugged, and as soon as the door closed I wished that I’d kissed him.

I’m twenty one years old and I can name four people in meatspace that I feel completely, physically, emotionally and mentally safe around. Who I trust. 

And this is not unfair. This fear, it’s not irrational, or strange. It’s the fear borne of existing as prey in a world not only filled with predators, but with institutions and systems and hundreds of apologists and a justice system and everything setup to enable the predator to operate.


#sex #self hatred #body issues #abuse (abstract, not specific or descriptive)

Me talking about the really really fucked up ways I tried to navigate being a sex object when I was younger

Jesus christ that TED talk has really kind of… contextualised and solidified a lot of the thoughts I’ve been having about sex and sexuality and self-destructive sexuality.

When I was younger I had clothes that specifically were ‘accessible’ (lets not even unpack that right now) whilst still allowing me to keep a lot of my body covered; being fat, I was both hyper-aware that I had bodyparts that men wanted, and that my body as a whole was repulsive. I spent so much energy and time thinking of myself as basically a grotesque sex doll.

For a long time I never had sex; sex was done to me.

And I don’t mean I was just assaulted over and over- though I know that my understandings of sex and sexuality were formed in an environment where I was being assaulted over and over- but rather that I would consent to an act that involved my body, but did not involve me.

I thought this is it this is it this will make me feel good be worth something and I would flirt with these guys, be sexual with these guys, and it wouldn’t make me feel good. So I’d think, ok, not enough, next level, and would kiss them and let them touch me. Still not enough. And the entire time I was completely out of the situation, I wasn’t doing anything I actually wanted or was interested in, I was just so convinced that if I went far enough I would feel something and I would be happy and I would be worth something. So I’d have sex with them, and, of course, it wouldn’t work.

And I would do this over and over again! Just do the same thing and expect different results.

If I didn’t do this, if I didn’t get the attention of some creep (and they were always creeps, none of these men gave a shit if I was ok or if I was having a good time or thought much about me at all, really.) then I would be so upset and angry with myself. I would sob myself to sleep wondering why I was so worthless. And the most absurd thing to me about this? If I did have sex with them? I would feel empty and disgusted and repulsed.

I used sex, and understood my sexuality, solely in relation to what my body could be and do for men.

And you know, there’s a lot of that to do with the fact that my first experiences with sexuality were horrific and abusive, and the violent imposition of sexuality onto a child. I can’t and won’t ignore that.

But what does this say about the culture I grew up in, that I exist in, that I am twenty one years old, and it is only recently that I’ve even questioned this?



Holy crap this post

Yeah, I just can’t imagine existing in a world where sexuality isn’t this terrifying horrorterror thing that has been used nearly exclusively to hurt and control you and I know that’s a very CSA survivor Thing but

like how can you be so… naive to the ways in which sexuality, sexual fantasy, and lifestyle is used to enact and excuse abuse? Especially to children, or disabled people, or black and brown women, or anyone who qualifies as ‘fetish’ instead of ‘person’ as an object of lust?

The ways in which abusers use humiliation, domination, control, fetishising the other, playing games, as part of their abuse? Call you racist slurs, tell you to call them daddy, create elaborate fictions to excuse the violence they enact upon your body? The ways in which abuse is so often a lifestyle and a fantasy and predators so often use this understanding of themselves to excuse their actions?

Like… not all sexuality is good sexuality. Sometimes a person should be ashamed and disgusted of the brutal harm they would cause to others in the pursuit of their own sweaty little orgasm.

Obviously I don’t get into a lot of kink-critical stuff on this blog (and IDK if OP has an inherent problem with ageplay, in which case I’ll happily remove this reblog), but this is kind of important. The kink/BDSM community freaking LOVES to talk about how absolutely everybody is consenting adults, it’s not abuse, while completely ignoring how often abuse does and can happen behind the veil of ‘kink’.

I think the ageplay/ABDL community has a similar problem when we talk about how ageplay has nothing to do with paedophilia: yes, of course, it’s not inherently paedophilic to be into ageplay, but at the same time I think it’s worth questioning why you like what you like, and simply saying it has 0 to do with paedophilia again brushes real incidences of abuse and predation in the community under the rug. It’s ‘good’ for the individual who wants to reassure their loved ones they’re a nice guy still, but it allows us to ignore the fact that harmful things have come from our community.

On another note… consensual relationships can still be harmful, and I don’t just mean on a societal level.

For instance, my ‘thing’ is that… sex makes me good, making my partner happy with sex is what ‘good girls’ (ew) do. I feel like if I can’t do that, I have no value. So it’s really easy for me to hurt myself using sexual things, getting into a cycle of being overly-sexual, then sex-repulsed, then doing it anyway because it’s what I’m ‘good for’. I will hurt myself over and over to be ‘good’, doing sexual things even though it’s painful and I really shouldn’t at that time. I just generally have a very unhealthy relationship with sexuality.

If my partner was a shitlord they could easily pretty much destroy me mentally with sex-related things, which sounds ludicrous but it’s horribly true, and they could hide it all behind ‘it was consensual’, because the thing is, I would always consent. That stuff is ‘good attention’, and if I don’t get it, there’s something wrong with me.

IDKKK this post got hella personal lmao but the point is: sometimes sex is really harmful for people (just because of who they are) and sometimes ‘kink’ is used as a way to hide abuse… and sometimes kinks are just inherently problematic.

MMMM YEAH. I’ve talked about some ways in which harm can be perpetuated even within a consensual framework before and like, the messages we are socialised wrt sex & sexuality are actively harmful.

Misogyny, racism, homophobia, transmisogyny, all of this doesn’t just go away when dealing with sexuality, and a lot of it utilises sexuality to perpetuate these dynamics; the racialized misogyny in the way that black women are viewed as hypersexual and ‘unrapeable’ is one of these ways.

And when we look at people’s relationships to their own sexuality and to each others’ sexuality- these relationships occur within this framework. These relationships are learned within this framework.

When you’re told over and over again that the only way you have worth is to be a sex object; how can you not learn to think of yourself in that way? How can you not understand your worth through that lense?

And I mean, I’ve talked about the ways that I felt and enacted this before, and the ways in which this was taken advantage of (which is actually kind of a positive post in the end lol) and of course there’s the fact that within this I am still a CSA survivor and that absolutely warps and changes everything about my relationship to my own sexuality-

But still: how many women (& non-men) relate to this TED talk about self-objectification (gifs w/ subtitles at link)?

And that’s just talking about non-kinky sex. When kink is added, there are whole new levels of complication added to this, and this is absolutely something we should, you know, talk about.